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Vengeance with 10 Broken Bones

It has been more than two months. I thought it would pass by. I thought that after having the time to confront myself, I would feel better. I thought stress was doing this to. Well, stress and loneliness -I like to keep it real with myself-. Here I am in bed at 4am, wide awake and thinking about jumping off my balcony. What is sad about this is, it is actually the only thing I would be satisfied doing. I've been having the urges to end my life more and more often in the past few months, I do not feel depressed, at least not the same kind of depression I have suffered from before but I still feel like I am better off dead. My life is just not cutting it for me right now. I am not saying this because I am lonely and I cannot have someone to satisfy my needs here, I am saying that because I cannot do anything and I feel useless. I feel like a worthless sack of crap. I feel like I am nothing and I can never be anything.
The strange thing is, I do not want a sudden death, I do not want God to take my soul; I want the satisfaction of doing it myself, I want to stab myself a couple of time, or feel the fall, feel the impact of my body hitting the ground. I want the satisfaction of knowing how much pain I'll leave behind me, how bad my father would look, and I want to shove it in his face by posting about how much of a shitty, miserable, sorry person he actually is online.
I do realise how pathetic and sorry I sound at the moment, but forgive my hateful heart because it had had enough. I feel sorry for myself, for having my soul turned into such a miserable, hateful one.That is enough pitifulness for one entry don't you think so? I will leave you with a horrible joke: How many fingers does a dead person have? 10 dead ones.

Slipping back into depression

I can feel it. It's hovering around the edges, waiting for the right moment to add a little more emptiness into the pile. A pile of pain that I have slightly forgotten about. It's funny because it's the only thing that is so attached to me that it wants to come back; to penetrate my mind, my soul, my body; me, its rightful place. It's been closing up on me for a year now, even though I'm fighting it as much as I can. Who would do that for me? Who would keep on trying to consume me even though I'm pushing away?
In the last six months I have been socialising, working out, and eating healthy, and that helped because all the few episodes of the consuming emptiness were not severe. I can feel my control slipping away though, like my mind is not convinced I deserve the happiness I felt for a few months. Now, I still try to surround myself with people as much as I can, avoiding being alone at all costs, but it still doesn't work.
Depression works just like cancer, starts small and then spreads viciously, fighting for control over you, fighting for your defeat; and honestly I'm close to the point of letting it devour every part of me.
I feel nothing.
It is begging, and I don't know if I want to fight it.

You're a peach!

I think of people as peaches... 3 layers, exocarp; how they are around strangers, mesocarp; how they are around friends, and endocarp; who they really are. Then, there is me, is there a fruit with 4 layers? Let me explain, around strangers I am that collected, quiet, confident person. They get to know me a little, then I become that passionate, wise, really kind person. Around friends, I am that person who doesn't know what to want, who is always sad with no reason but really nice unless pissed off by something. Then, there is me, the endocarp, the core. What am I or who am I? I no longer know. Sometimes I wonder if I really am as "friends" see me, if I am really just confused and sad. Except, I know part of what I want, or I am pretty sure of one thing that I want, and I can't have that thing here, around those people I call family and friends. See, I might be seen as confused and sad, but that is only because there is no one else inside my head other than me, and I don't talk. so those people who see me confused don't know the whole truth, because I give them pieces, the pieces that won't get me in trouble. I am not saying I am not a little confused, I am not saying I don't know what I want either. They call me unrealistic, when they hear me talk about what I want to do, because I want to do things they don't approve of here. They say I have to face reality, I have to give up my silly little dreams, and accept what I am given here. I am supposed to work in an office, give my father part of my salary and be happy it is not worse. Of course, I can start a small business of my own, without people knowing its me who owns the business, or they would talk. I am supposed to be grateful, grateful to have been born in a place where I am not allowed to think or talk, I am not even allowed to go out with my friends! I am not hateful, I do believe these things build who you are, but I am not grateful, no, I am not grateful I get bullied by my parents, by my family, I am not grateful to being seen as a demented person because I use that thing called a brain. I am grateful I am not in a worse place, I am grateful I haven't been abused physically, but I have been abused, all my life. I could have been a better human being, I could have accomplished so much by now if I wasn't surrounded by poisonous, lazy, mindless people. So sorry I don't see just how great those people are, people who do nothing than take money and spend it, people who think of none other than themselves. So I guess my endocarp is the 3 previous layers and a little more no one knows about but me.

NOTHING

Have you ever felt nothing? Like nothing at all? When you don't even feel sad or mad anymore. You try, you want to be angry but you can't, because at that moment you realise you can't feel anything.
Honestly, I'd rather feel sadden, angered, anything, right now rather than empty. It just bothers me so much, like, why am I not feeling anything? I am supposed to feel something, I am supposed to be heartbroken.
What is even worse, is when you listen to that song that always stirs up all the emotions inside of you and, nothing.
Sometimes I can't help but wonder, will I ever feel again? and I do, I get better and then I get worse and then I feel nothing again and it happens again and again and again! But try to stop me from wondering if this is the last time I'll ever feel anything.
Will this ever stop from happening? Will I ever be better for a long period of time? I want to feel good for three months, just three months, but no.
Am I gonna have to end this myself? because I don't expect to have a knight with a shinning armour to rescue from the darkness, I really don't. Although I do wonder sometimes if I will feel better if I ever was in a relationship where I was accepted for who I am. If someone, anyone, accepted both the light and the darkness in me without condescending me, someone that would love me, really love me, with knowing all my flaws and all that goes through my mind.
And I know, deep down in my heart, I know that will never happen. I hate fools, that's why I eliminated any idea of having that someone. I guess I'll just have to accept that I am the only one who is going to end all of this. I have to figure out three things, when, how, and where.

Only Human

I am only human. sometimes I lose sight of who I am, who I want to be, and what I want. Sometimes I get so drowned in my own shit, I doubt if I will ever survive this. But then, I read those stories about abused children, abusive fathers, who hurt their children physically, hell they even torture them sometimes, and I think "I don't have it so bad, maybe I'm just an ungrateful brat", and that is what gets to me. Am I really ungrateful? Am I just playing the victim role because I love being one? Are my parents as bad as I think them to be? I don't know. It is so hard to have a goal, a vision, or even a value and it is harder to achieve it when even you do not believe in yourself.
Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever break free from myself. I don't know if I can ever be who I am. Sometimes I don't even know who I am! How can a person like this help others? How can I change someone's life when I can't even change my own? Sometimes I wonder if I am who I think I am, and if I will ever be able to be that person in my head. Now, tell me, do all humans have those thoughts and feelings, or is it only me?

Nothingness

Nothing. I feel nothing. I think I should be sad or angry but I don't feel anything.
It feels like I'm a vessel, and it's empty, dark, and cold inside.
I feel like I'm a soulless human being.
I feel like there's a lump stuck in my throat, it doesn't come out and it doesn't go down.
It's just stuck there, just like me.
I had this feeling many times before and it always was the begging of the worse.
It is like a cycle, it keeps happening again, again, again, again, and again.
First, I obsess over someone I have no chance with, I keep daydreaming about that person, and it's fun and I feel pretty and loved.
Then, without even trying, I give up.
I feel ugly, I feel empty, I feel empty
useless
hopeless
helpless.
And then I remember that I am stuck and I feel suffocated.
It's like I like drowning myself in my own myself.
I'm addicted to sorrow.
I'm addicted to pain.
Sometimes I think I even like being sick.
I like being mentally sick.
It makes me feel safe,
like I have something,
like if I fail at something it's not my fault,
like if there is something wrong with me, it's not really me, it's my sickness.
I like being broken, but I am only broken when I am alone, which is confusing to me.
When I am out there with people, I am that strong person who believes in rights, freedom, and justice.
It's not that I am not that person alone too, I am, only I am also empty and scared.

Carelessness gone too far.

It's crazy.. Everything feels crazy.. I have always been careless, blowing away studies and shit, but I think I hit rock bottom a year ago.. When I lost all hope.. I was careless to the point where I blew off 3 courses and gotten F in all of them. This course though, I had my hope restored.. I decided that I am going to compensate all the wasted time.. This is the second day of the second week, and I can no longer register for more courses.. Today on my was to my first class, I discovered that it's in one of those buildings that I hate and have to walk in the heat to get to.. I kinda had a headache, felt nauseous too, so I dropped the course. Yes, that's right, I dropped the course because I didn't walk from one building to the other. I think I deserve a blow to the head, a hard blow. Ughhh, I still haven't seen him walk out.. What happened to him.. I am out of things to say.. See, I am currently watching this show 'Sons of Anarchy' and I AM OBSESSED, it's the only thing I can focus on.. Yesterday, I watched a whole season.. and I wasn't home till 5.. that means I stayed up late.. I cam back from uni and I told them that I am going to take a nap because I am exhausted (did that so no one would disturb me).. I stayed in the dark room till 9, watching the show, then I decided to take a walk around the house, that took less than 10 minutes and then I went back to watching the show. Today I started the 4th season of the show (I watched 3 seasons in 4 days).. I was going to watch the second episode of the fourth season during the hour I had but then, he happened... He kinda tuned down my obsess.. If I haven't seen him I'd probably be watching the show right now.. UGHHH. Why do I like men so much? I just wanna touch them and like touch them, and touch them! I need to touch a man so bad. Why can't we get men at stores? That would make things so much easier.
Wow, this entry took a hard left.. Sorry, not sorry.

Confessions of a coward

Hi. I am writing this so I can look busy in front of this guy if he passes by me again. See, I think I really like him... I mean, I would definitely love to kiss him and press his body against mine.. That means I like him, right?
Well, does it really matter if I do? I have established a year ago that I am a total coward. I am too afraid of rejection to try anything.. I really do not think highly of myself.. Sometimes I even doubt if I like myself.. If I don't love myself, how will another person try? I can feel that he is into me, but I am not brave enough to check if my suspicion is right. It is so hard.. Seeing what you want right in front of you but never being able to pull some courage to get it. I know for a fact that it is harder for him to approach me because I am a student, and I am a Qatari.. Because I can get him in so much trouble if I ever said anything.
Today when I saw him, I kept glancing back and forth, and I made sure that I made eye contact, and kept on staring.. Is this the best I can do though? I really want to try this time.. I am tired of not trying.. And I've seen this guys face for like a whole year now.. I don't know why would he like me.. I'm not pretty, and he's never talked to me before.. I don't even know why would I think that he liked me.. thinking back on it, I am not sure if he even noticed that I am there.. Ugh. See.. Now we're back to square one.. Back to the "no one would ever like me stage".. I, I don't even know if I care.. like, I don't even want someone to love me, I just want someone to want me.. I want to make out and cuddle and fool around with someone.. and I kinda want it to be with him.. But being who I am, will I ever do it?
He still haven't got out, so I am still pretending to do something.. He might have passed by and I didn't notice, but I don't want to take that chance.
Cowardice is the worst. Even worse than self hatred and shame, I think...
I really don't have anything more to say.. maybe I should write about something else till I'm sure that he passed..

KILLED BECAUSE I THINK.

Today, my sister was told that she and I should be locked in a barrel, and then killed, without people knowing anything about it, because of our thoughts. It was my father who told her this. I am speechless. I have always known that me reading bothered him, and that our thrust for knowledge and changed put him through excruciating mental pain. For a girl cannot be something great in his demented, alluded, little world. Yes, I am living in a world where having a brain is a curse, and using this brain is even worse than the curse. There is nothing wrong with me, except everything is wrong when I am here.

Beautiful Sadness

Sadness is such a state to be in, don't you think? I don't know if there is something wrong with me or it is nature how I love to pain myself. Some people rest to physical pain, like cutting, I honestly do not think that is satisfying; I need to feel that emotional pain, whether it was heartbreak, loneliness, abandonship (I don't care if that is not a word, I like it). To me, that pain, somehow, gets me through the day. Even when I am perfectly fine, but I get this feel of emptiness, I read one of my books with a heartbreaking story, just so my heartache would overthrow the emptiness; that doesn't usually help though... I guess just feel them both together. I feel like I need that emotional strain to survive, to feel alive. I can't even make up my mind if this is disturbing or not, I like it so much that I don't care. You can't imagine the way I feel when I sense my heart breaking into pieces, or aching so bad I can hardly open my eyes, I love that feeling, and I get attached to easily to characters, so it is not harding getting by it. You might wonder why would I feel it through a character rather than my own personal relationships, it is because I can't maintain one, or rather can't make one. My abandonship (yes, I insisted on using this word) problems for one, my low self-esteem, self loath, and mainly, cowardice. I cannot begin to imagine how will I breakdown completely if I ever get heartbroken from a real life experience, it's like I really love these characters, and I feel their pain, and I love feeling their pain, but would happen to me if I am ever brokenhearted, because I'm not good enough for someone, or too much trouble for someone, I already think so lowly of myself, what would happen then? I guess I kind of destruct myself emotionally, drawn myself in my own misery. Hey, maybe it's because I love myself too much to let anyone other than myself do it to me, or I hate myself too much that it is so easy to do. I just enjoy torturing, saddening, and agonising myself.